Please Make It Stop: Part 6

Paris Hilton just got a whole lot less interesting...

In a recent interview with the British version of GQ (which, if you haven't picked up a copy of late, is way more dapper than it's American counterpart) Hilton announced she would remain celibate for one full year.

Hold the presses!

"I'm not having sex for a year. ... I'll kiss, but nothing else," the 25-year-old stated.

By the way, did I mention that the House Of Wax star is 25 freakin' years old?!? For the love of God, what 25-year-old says that to anyone, really, much less to a periodical with the reach of GQ.

My head hurts...


photo by By Paul Hawthorne, AP

We Are...Marshall Release Date Confusion

WSAZ, the West Virginia-based TV station serving the Huntington/Charleston viewing area, reported Sunday that the film We Are...Marshall has a new release date of December 22, 2006. WSAZ reported it's source as "an Internet film site," adding it could not confirm the information.

That's pretty shoddy reporting, in my book.

The Internet site which lists the new date of release is Comingsoon.net. It does list December 22, 2006 as the release date; however, I'm guessing that's incorrect. A holiday week opening would suggest that the studio has incredible expectations for We Are...Marshall. And while I hope and expect (mostly hope) the flick is good, I'm doubtful it will be holiday-week release worthy.

I could be wrong. I hope I am.

Update: The on-line edition of Monday's Huntington Herald-Dispatch reports that Warner Bros. has confirmed the movie's release date has been moved back to December 22, 2006. See here for details.

Walk Like An Egyptian

They loved singing the song, and tried hard to do the dance move. I'm pretty sure the boy, though, has his Dad's sense of rhythm.

I'm Writing A Letter To Santa, Too

Years ago, when the new TV season was upon us, the networks used to run a prime-time special featuring clips of each new series in hopes of building viewer interest. My personal favorite sort of preview show was the one for Saturday morning cartoons, like Dick Clark used to do for ABC. Popcorn, ice-cold soda, and previews of Super Friends.

Sigh...

Back in the day this technique was a great way to create public interest. In our current tech-savvy age, though, not so much. TV networks fight hundreds of cable channels for viewership, and compete with other forms of media entertainment like the Internet (you should check it out, sometime, it's way cool).

ABC, according to this article, is starting it's promotion of the upcoming season for uber-hit Lost in an interesting way. Teaming with USA Today, the shows cast will answer selected questions from fans. Email 'em, and they may answer, or so it reads.

I'm a serious fan of Lost. But I don't want to have answers to questions about the island, the story or how the characters intersect, at least not just yet. I like the current pace of the show. Nope, the questions I'd most like to ask the Lost cast are:

How will it be possible to use Malcolm David Kelly (Walt) in future seasons, considering the teen has grown about 12" taller in real life during the past three years? The time on the island for the Lost-ers has only been a short few months, after all.

Are different dogs sometimes used to play Vincent, Walt's yellow lab? Sometimes Vincent looks kinda chubby, and other times he looks sorta sleek.

Will the writers continue to reduce Sawyer to a caricature of the con man's original personality? Sure, his glib one-liners are funny and all, but what I loved about this character was how complicated and dark he was. Glib is cute once in a while. It's rarely interesting.

Which brings me to my final question:

Jack or Sawyer? Which, and why?

Arthur Who?

It appears that Aquaman may be the next comic book character adapted to the big screen. Rumors are circulating on just where the project stands regarding development, and who will direct the feature. Read about it here, if you are interested.

I'm not sure how I feel about an Aquaman flick. I like the comic, and I think the character has really been developed well, especially during the past 10 years or so. But, for some reason I'm doubtful about how this one would turn out.

For those of you Arthur Curry fans who just can't get enough, here is a trailer from a failed Aquaman pilot, which was to be a spin-off of Smallville, until the WB declined to pick it up.

Five Things I Know For Sure

With almost-sincere apologies to my spiritual mentor, Oprah.

Just like birthdays, most holidays, family reunions and how I behave when I've had too much beer, summer vacations are a time of reflection for me. (Just go with me on this, please.) A time of personal growth, where I confirm what I think I know, and appreciate new things I've learned.

Hanging out with my family for 24 hours a day, every day, for a full week tests my patience and theirs. But when I finished this most recent test of endurance, I came away with these 5 Things I Know For Sure:

1. When the restaurant hostess asks, "Do you have a smoking preference?" and you respond with, "Yes. Marlboro Lights," be prepared for no one to laugh. You expect laughter, and the silent vacuum that exists immediately after you finish speaking is deafening. Expect it. Embrace it. This too will pass.

2. Sharing a bathroom stall with your three-year-old son may be an emotionally bonding experience, but it can occasionally be hazardous to your personal hygiene. I have two tips: (A) While sharing the toilet, stand arm-to-arm with one another, not on opposite sides of the toilet, and (B) Always carry wet towellettes--anti-bacterial ones, if you can find 'em.

3. Mall clowns named "Spunky" are really mean-spirited, hateful farts who put on make-up for tips.

4. Always confirm with the lady braiding hair at pool-side how many $3 braids she is gonna put in your daughter's hair before going upstairs to use the bathroom. It is now my understanding that by the time you can get back to pool-side, the hair-braid-lady can have as many as 30 braids in her hair. (Cha-ching.)

5. Vacationing with in-laws is fun and interesting, despite what people often say. This is especially true if, while on said vacation, your in-laws discover you write a blog and ask for the address so they can check it out when they get home. (Big wave and a smile to John and Sherry.)

Man, am I relaxed...

Best Movie Endings

Movie endings should be just right, shouldn't they? I mean, an average ending can cause a really fine movie to fall a bit flat, just like an incredible ending can lift a otherwise ho-hum flick to greatness.

Filmcritic.com has this list of the Top 50 Movie Endings Of All Time.

It's an intriguing list, although I don't agree with it completely. While I loved Batman Begins, for example, I don't think that ending should be included. And, I think the original Planet Of The Apes ending should be listed a little higher. All in all, though, it's an interesting list that could create interesting dialogue.

What's your favorite movie ending? Did it make the list, or should it have?

You Sure Do Have A Purty Mouth

First Martha, now Richard Hatch. Our little Mountain State is becoming quite the home-away-from-home for naughty celebs and celebrity wannabes.

Miami Vice

Miami Vice, which stars Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx as the central characters from the hit TV show, succeeds in one area: it makes the 1980s police drama seem brilliant by comparison.

Vice follows modern-day Crockett and Tubbs as they go deep undercover to bust up an international drug operation. Along the way they struggle through personal emergencies, romantic relationships, sexual relationships, double crossing drug lords and members of the Aryian Nation.

Imagine that...

Really, this movie is just God-awful. So bad, in fact, that I've created my list of:

Top 5 Reasons I Hated Miami Vice

5. The movie has no real sense of urgency. I expected, at least, a Bad Boys rip-off, with lots of bombs, guns, explosions and action. Vice had almost none of that. The pace was slow, and the characters seemed monotone and dull;

4. Farrell and Foxx never raised their voices above a moderate level whisper. Farrell, especially, seemed able to growl in a menacing way without really raising his voice. They were going for the brooding cool vibe. It fell flat;

3. The editing seemed haphazard. I never knew if the action was taking place in Miami, Havana, Geneva or some South American country. The characters were in all these places at some point, and it made following the action difficult;

2. The dialogue was too inside and full of shortcuts for me to follow easily. For example, two characters must have said "Give me the lats and the longs" three times before I figured out what was meant. I just ain't that bright;

1. All the characters were stereotypes. The cops were stereotypes, as were the white supremacist and the Columbian drug lords. None seemed to have any real depth.

A bonus reason I hated this film: During the previews my knee hit the back of a chair in front of me. The woman looked back, scowled, raised forward then violently threw herself back into the chair so that she smashed against my knee. I just had to talk to her about it, explain my kneeing her was an accident, and that her aggressive behavior wasn't necessary. She just stared blankly at me, though, as if I was nuts.

I wanted to smack her during the entire movie...Especially during the movie's worst moments.

Miami Vice sucks. See something else instead.

The Best Place To Hide Is The Obvious

Squirrelly Shaffer was a legend in my hometown of Summersville, WV. He didn't lead any community efforts that I know of, or make significant financial or cultural contributions to the town. In the late 70s and early 80s (and probably before) Squirrelly's iconic status was created because he was the town drunk. He was Summersville's Otis. And his legend was well deserved.

Once, after being arrested for public intoxication, Squirrelly escaped from the Nicholas County jail. I'm not sure how, or even why, frankly; Squirrelly was such a regular that I'm sure he knew he would be released soon after sleeping it off. Regardless, he escaped and a manhunt ensued. Deputies searched the immediate area, then broadened the search a bit, all the while knowing Squirrelly couldn't get far on foot. Try as they might, the police didn't find Squirrelly for several days. Turns out, Squirrelly went into hiding immediately after his escape in the one place the cops didn't think to look.

Up.

Squirrelly shimmied up a large tree on the courthouse lawn, and stayed there until the commotion caused from his escape died down. Then, he shimmied back down, and hit the local ABC store before becoming so drunk (again) that he became a nuisance, was found and arrested.

Sometimes, it seems, the best place for people to hide is in the most obvious of places.

Like the cultural mainstay that is Hollywood. Or the theater. Or within the onslaught of press clippings and interviews that come with celebrity.

We knew all about Squirrelly, when I was a kid. He didn't have a press rep who managed his affairs and who could put a polite spin on his behavior. Squirrelly wasn't overly attractive, nor the kind of hit with the ladies that allows some folks who misbehave to get a free pass. Nah, he was a poor schmuck who had little to do other than to get a little nuts when he got a whiff of the smack. But we at least knew who he was at his core, and what we were likely to encounter if we got close enough to start a relationship.

I'd take Squirrelly's authenticity over the fake personality bling of some folks any day.