The Dark Knight Rises

I wish he hadn't.

I would rather Nolan's Batman ran wounded into the night after defeating The Joker and Harvey Dent -- never to be seen again --  than end a brilliant superhero series this way. Hell, I would have preferred seeing Bruce Wayne die in The Dark Knight rather than be involved in this piece of shit movie.

Motherfucking Hollywood ruined what should have been a great trilogy.

This isn't the rant of a fanboy gone bad. (Although the morphing of DC characters Dick Grayson and Tim Drake into John Blake, an as-yet-unheard-of character created for the flick, should piss off everyone who loves Batman comics.) Nope, this rant is based on one simple fact: The Dark Knight Rises is a really bad movie.

The movie is bloated with unnecessary imagery, cliched dialogue, and plot twists that are predictable and poorly explained. Why must Bruce Wayne use a cane to walk? Why does he have no cartilage in his knee, if he hasn't suited up as Batman since fighting Dent eight years earlier? Nolan may know, but he doesn't tell the audience. Instead, the director uses the film to reflect on the two previous installments; the technique doesn't advance the movie, it causes the movie to drag.

Roger Ebert and others have commented that the second half of The Dark Knight Rises is superb. And I agree, to some extent. Still, the conclusion is wrapped up too neatly, and the multiple plots are resolved in too hurried a fashion.

But, the real reason I didn't care for the second half?

The god damned first half put me to sleep.

Ted

Ted gives us a peek

At life in the Griffin home

When Chris turns forty

Peter -- dressed as Ted

For some unexplained reason --

Gets laughs from fart jokes

Funny for a while,

Ted shows why Family Guy rocks.

It's 20 mins. long

The Amazing Spider-Man

Sure, this isn't Stan Lee's Peter Parker. And this red-and-blue arachnid is more Electric Company-Spidey than Brooding-Tobey-Maguire-Spidey. But the movie is entertaining, and worth a trip to the theater.

Here is MyTop 5 Reasons to watch The Amazing Spider-Man:

1. It's Time To Get A Real Life: As a comic book nerd, you've become sheltered, isolated, and you've developed a very narrow perspective on what's acceptable with the characters you love. I get it, man. I dig comics myself. But the most serious among us are like those snobby wine tasting freaks who sniff the goddamn cork and spit the first sip out before choosing a wine. Fuck that noise! Sometimes it's fun to buy some Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill at the local convenience store, screw the cap off, and just drink every drop from the bottle. Comic book movies are no different. The plot doesn't have to be perfectly in sync with the comic. Get a box of Goobers and a large soda, lean back in the theater chair, and enjoy a show once in a while

2. The Black Cat Rocks!: Emma Stone, who plays Gwen Stacy, should be in every scene. For two reasons: (a) Stone's acting is terrific, and she steals the film, and (b) the boots, high-socks and mini-skirt look she seems to wear throughout. (And those reasons are in no particular order.)

3. Legendary Actors: The crush I've had on Sally Field started during her Flying Nun days (I can't remember Gidget), then really kicked into gear with her sexy role in Smokey And The Bandit. She's still cute, and as Aunt May she now looks cute and wise. Field is terrific in the movie, and gives a meaty performance as the grieving widow perplexed about her nephew's unusual behavior.
(Oh yeah   . . Martin Sheen as Uncle Ben was very good, too.)

4. Avengers Assemble!: This reboot is really a way to get the character into the current Marvel-film universe, and tie him into The Avengers. Period. That would have been difficult to do with the Maguire's Spidey, considering Maguire's age and the isolated narrative of those three films. Andrew Garfield is fine as Spider-Man, and excellent as teen Peter Parker. And he'll be great in the Avenger's sequel, I'm sure.

5. Web-Shooters! I was giddy when I realized in this movie Peter Parker would (as intended!) invent the webshooters used to spin and direct his webs. I hated the story-line from the other three flicks that had webs coming from Spider-Man's wrists. Hated it! One of the coolest things about the early days of Spider-Man comics was the scientific genius of Parker. When I saw the idea teased early in the movie (a scene where Parker locks his bedroom door with a wireless remote) I hoped the web shooters would re-appear. When they did, I smiled from satisfaction.

(Note to self: Grab another Boone's Farm and re-read My Top 5 Reasons #1.)