Monday, March 12, 2007

Flashback! Bad Movies That Haunt Me: Boxing Helena

I was feeling sorta amorous one Friday evening in 1993, and found myself at the local video store looking through that section.

Not the Triple-X section located near the back and closed off by some mismatched curtains. Nope, the hardcore stuff is for Saturday night!

I said this was a Friday.

The section of videos through which I was browsing housed the sensual, artsy flicks. The kind Mrs. Film Geek digs. Which makes me dig them, too.

I stumbled upon one that looked interesting. I hadn't heard much buzz about it, but the cover seemed, well, sensual.

The title, Boxing Helena, was unusual. But, I figured, artsy flicks are quirky. A nearly naked chick in a rectangle-shaped box is still a nearly naked chick.

I decided I'd make it work.

I dimmed the lights, snuggled up close on the love seat and hit "play." The mood was set perfectly. Now, all that remained was for Boxing Helena to work her mojo.

There's something off-putting about a film in which an obsessed surgeon keeps a woman in his home and systematically amputates her legs and her arms. It's a deal breaker when the imprisoned and mutilated woman later returns his affection, as if what's been done to her was simply an annoyance she can forgive.

Boxing bad, I didn't need a cold shower.

I'm still haunted by it.


Route 75 said...

I liked Julian Sands in "Warlock" much better than this role. It was freaky.

Jackie Lantern said...

I never saw this, so I guess I didn't miss anything. You're right that cover is really decieving though..

The only movie I've quit watching halfway through in the last few years was "Sideways". What? It was terrible!

Jackie Lantern said...

..except after "c" dammit!!

Chris James said...

Kim Basinger turning down this role was the best move of her career, even if it cost her everything at the time.

She can sob her heart out to that naked golden man holding a sword.

The Film Geek said...

This was way worse! than Sideways, Jackie. So much worse...

And Chris: I agree completely.

And, (he says, stroking his chin) you've given me an idea for a new post: Famous roles that were turned down.

Hell, it's been done, I suppose.

Chris James said...

Even better idea:

Get ready....

Are you ready????



Three Words:

David Arquette Month

The Film Geek said...

Love it!! But only if we can include how he was once WCW Pro Wrestling Champ!

You wanna do it, or should I?

Chris James said...

That's all you, brudduh.

Anonymous said...

Boxing Helena scarred me for life. I'm all about a little BDSM going on, but mannnnnn....leave the limbs ON!!