Sunday, May 21, 2006

Bottom 5 Worst Movies

About mid-way through Asylum last night I realized that the movie deserved a spot on my all-time-worst-movies-ever-made list.

The list doesn't include movies I know will be bad; it would be too easy to add "It's Pat" or the dozens of poorly done flicks that each year go straight to DVD. No, my list is made up of movies I expect to be good because of the actors featured, the director or the advance buzz, but for some reason the flick never materializes into something that, well... doesn't suck.

The list is ever changing, of course, but the bottom 5 (in which Asylum now rests) as of today includes:

Number 5: Gigli
Billed as a murder mystery wrapped in a love story, Gigli was simply a way to get two young, attractive and popular people together in hopes the box office would go through the roof. The mobster flick was the beginning of a slump for Ben Affleck, and an expensive confirmation that J-Lo should lose the acting bug. Producers expected "cha-ching," but got "thud."

Number 4: Shanghai Surprise
We knew Sean Penn could act, and hoped his then-wife Madonna could. Turns out, she couldn't . One of the few misteps Penn has made in his career, but he did it out of love.

Number 3: Boxing Helena
A man loves a woman so much that he kidnaps her, and methodically cuts off her arms and her legs while keeping her in a box. I actually watched this movie twice, thinking I missed something the first time around. I didn't.

Number 2: Asylum
Set in the 1950s, the wife of a psychiatrist falls in love with a mental patient at the asylum which employs her husband, risking everything including the life of her son to be with the guy. I needed an injection or two myself to get through the damn thing. Ian McKellen stars, which made me interested...for about 20 minutes.

Number 1: Raising Cain
I'm a fan of John Lithgow, and expected so much that I actually saw this movie in the theater back in the day. I left the show horribly confused. Did he have a twin, or did he have a multiple personality? During the movie I recall asking my wife if she thought a part of the movie had not been shown (perhaps a reel was forgotten) because it made little sense. It ranks as my all-time worst movie.


Off Route 75 said...

Raising Cain. Wow. Don't forget "Ricochet." He was in that, too.

By the way, where's "Ishtar" or "Waterworld?" Kevin Costner solidified a spot on my "worst actors ever" list for that movie. When his boat explodes and all the emotion he can muster up is, in a deadpan tone: "My boat." Priceless....meaning I would never pay for something like that.

The Film Geek said...

I hate Costner, so I don't expect to like his movies. And I liked

primalscreamx said...

I would also submit 'Out of Africa', one of two films that a large Mountain Dew loaded with sugar and caffeine couldn't keep me awake to finish. The other was some muppet film that knocked me cold about fifteen minutes into it. It was muppets, so you sort of expect it not to be so great. I should have gone stoned... So, that one was my fault.
Out of Africa is a different matter. I've actually considered getting the film to keep around the house for when I have trouble sleeping.

Cara said...

Vanilla Sky.

Kelly said...

Das Boot!

Jackie Lantern said...

Waterworld?!?! It's The Road Warrior on...well water. How can that be a bad thing?
You must be thinking of "The Postman" = Worst. Movie. Ever.

Off Route 75 said...

I don't know if I'd equate "The Road Warrior" with "Waterworld." The Road Warrior was a great post-apocalyptic movie, and had Mel Gibson doing some of his finest work while shooting arrows through the eyeholes of hockey masked crazies.
Waterworld had....Kevin Costner....swimming and stuff...then saying "My boat." That wasn't even a likeable character. I actually fell asleep during that the movie theater.
On another note, I actually liked "The Postman." Doesn't rank up there with all time favorites, but Costner definitely can't carry a movie by himself. That's for sure.

Off Route 75 said... didn't like Das Boot? That's a good movie!

Kelly said...

hell no I didn't like das boot! I can't imagine a worse movie. Second place is Apocolypse Now...I think that is the title. Damon makes me watch those movies, just can't seem to stay awake.

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