About mid-way through Asylum last night I realized that the movie deserved a spot on my all-time-worst-movies-ever-made list.
The list doesn't include movies I know will be bad; it would be too easy to add "It's Pat" or the dozens of poorly done flicks that each year go straight to DVD. No, my list is made up of movies I expect to be good because of the actors featured, the director or the advance buzz, but for some reason the flick never materializes into something that, well... doesn't suck.
The list is ever changing, of course, but the bottom 5 (in which Asylum now rests) as of today includes:
Number 5: Gigli
Billed as a murder mystery wrapped in a love story, Gigli was simply a way to get two young, attractive and popular people together in hopes the box office would go through the roof. The mobster flick was the beginning of a slump for Ben Affleck, and an expensive confirmation that J-Lo should lose the acting bug. Producers expected "cha-ching," but got "thud."
Number 4: Shanghai Surprise
We knew Sean Penn could act, and hoped his then-wife Madonna could. Turns out, she couldn't . One of the few misteps Penn has made in his career, but he did it out of love.
Number 3: Boxing Helena
A man loves a woman so much that he kidnaps her, and methodically cuts off her arms and her legs while keeping her in a box. I actually watched this movie twice, thinking I missed something the first time around. I didn't.
Number 2: Asylum
Set in the 1950s, the wife of a psychiatrist falls in love with a mental patient at the asylum which employs her husband, risking everything including the life of her son to be with the guy. I needed an injection or two myself to get through the damn thing. Ian McKellen stars, which made me interested...for about 20 minutes.
Number 1: Raising Cain
I'm a fan of John Lithgow, and expected so much that I actually saw this movie in the theater back in the day. I left the show horribly confused. Did he have a twin, or did he have a multiple personality? During the movie I recall asking my wife if she thought a part of the movie had not been shown (perhaps a reel was forgotten) because it made little sense. It ranks as my all-time worst movie.