Sometimes -- usually late at night and, maybe-not-so-coincidentally, after a couple of stiff shots of whisky --a very tiny and very imaginary Duct Tape Bandit and I hang out and discuss the jacknuttiness of life.
Last night, just as I finished my third shot and chaser, I heard a small commotion in the guest room, where The Bandit's been sleeping for a couple of months. I stepped inside the room, and saw a cleaned-up Bandit fixing his tie.
(It was a bolo tie, but a tie nonetheless.)
"Why the tie?" I asked The Bandit. "You got a hot date?"
The Bandit guffawed: "Naw, no date. I'm a-fixin' to go see da gov'ner."
I wasn't sure I heard him correctly, so I asked for clarification. "The governor of West Virginia? You mean, Joe Manchin?"
"Gov'ner Manix, MoJo, whatever people call'em these days. I hear Mojo meets wit' people all da time to hear their beefs, and I gots a beef. I'm gonna be sentenced in a few weeks for some things I done across the river, and I figure Mojo might be willin' to talk to da judge for me. You know, put da fix in for a lighter sentence."
"Why would he do that, Bandit? Governor Manchin doesn't interfere in the legal system for people. Especially for people from outside the Mountain State. Bandit, I gotta remind you, dude: you're from Kentucky!"
"Dat's not what I hear," snorted The Bandit. "I heard somewhere dat Mojo was helpin' out some Yankee-based chemical plant by fixin' it's beef with da judge. You probably saw da movie 'bout it, the one about da West Virginia town dat got sick from da chemicals. It starred that chick from Pretty Woman, Ellen Brokowitch."
"The movie was Eren Brockovich, and it starred Julia Roberts, Bandit. And the movie was not about the townspeople of Spelter, West Virginia who were made sick by environmental contamination. The movie was about something else. But that's besides the point; the point is, the governor is not going to see you, much less commute your sentence."
I felt sort of sorry for the guy, really. The Bandit's view of life is sometimes way too simple.
"Can't hurt to try, man." The Bandit finally got the tie just right, turned away from the mirror and started for the door. " It worked for da freak who thinks dat driver's licenses are da damn mark of da beast."
The Bandit had a point.