The Jacknut Chronicles' Sunday Edition: Russ Weeks Has A Plan

I rounded the corner, and followed the strong smell of cologne down the hallway and into the guest room, where I discovered The Duct Tape Bandit combing down the last hint of his front- hairline-cowlick.

"That cologne is strong, Bandit. Really strong. Got a hot date?" I crossed my fingers; the Bandit has been staying at my place for more than a year now, and a girlfriend could lead to his moving out.

"Naw, man. I'm goin' to gradiation. Walkin' the stage to pick up my MoJo diploma. It's a new certificate program some guy named Weeks 's givin' out just for votin' for him in the 'lection.

Dude, this Weeks guy rocks!"


The Bandit zipped up his jacket and started toward the door. He'd just gotten over a nasty head cold, and he was trying to stay healthy and improve his education.

It was sorta sweet.

It was so sweet, I couldn't tell him it was all a joke. A trinket that WV Republican gubernatorial candidate Russ Weeks is giving away to everyone who contributes to his campaign. (The Bandit is a bit naive, and I don't think he really understood the cynicism in play.)

The Bandit is also the sort of guy who gets his news and information from soundbites, and doesn't really pay close attention to the crux of the messages provided by politicians. He missed, for example, Weeks' comment that if elected, he will "introduce at least one anti-abortion bill per session," and "eliminate state-funded abortions, either through legislation or executive order."

The Bandit also missed out on hearing Weeks' comment that "Sarah Palin is exactly the kind of governor I want to be."

If he had paid attention to those things, The Bandit might be inclined to think the election pickin's this year are a bit slim. Both candidates are just yon side of jacknutty.

But at least he'll have a shiney new certificate to hang on the wall!