It's my favorite time of year.
Snow-covered tree branches that look like happy landscapes painted by Bob Ross, kids giggling nervously as they wait in line at the mall to sit on Santa's lap, and hundreds of people googling "Did Peter Billingsley make a porno?" on their desktops at work.
It's Christmas, baby. That time of year when we have an excuse to slack off on the things we are supposed to do in order to unwind a bit before the new year. That's the reason for the season.
Some of you guys slacking off at work are trying to win office bets that Peter Billingsley did, or did not, make a skin flick. Here's the scoop: he didn't. His co-star Scott Schwartz, who played Flick, did.
But not Ralphie.
I sorta wish he had, though. It makes for a great urban legend, and I can just imagine the jokes that would be told as a result. A Christmas Story is known for its wonderful dialogue; catch-phrases and one-liners that stick with the viewer long after the movie is over. Many of those lines, along with some fun facts about the movie, could be used effectively in a modern porno parody.
Here is My Top 5: Potential Titles For Remaking A Christmas Story Into A Porno
"Go Slow, I'm Fraa-geel-eee!" The perfect soft-core skin flick for the sensitive couple, interested in her point-of-view.
"Mrs. Parker Gets Triple-Dogged On A Dare." A MILF who isn't afraid to put soap in your mouth knows how to get it on.
"Give Me A Darren McGavin." For the hard-core fetish audience tired of Cleveland Steamers and Dirty Sanchezes.
"Stick Your Tongue On My Stupid Pole." A compilation of scenes from the first 5 minutes of ten other porn flicks.
"I'll Shoot Your Eye Out!" No plot, just 75 minutes of gonzo action.