The One That Rhymes With "Truck"

Mr. Castlebaum, my primary 5th and 6th grade teacher, wasn't a native of West Virginia. He was a New Jersey guy, and fresh out of college. Central West Virginia in 1977 wasn't Trenton, and Mr. Castlebaum always seemed a little stymied over the culture in which he was immersed.

In 6th grade, Mr. Castlebaum was also our softball coach. All rah-rah and prone to whistle-blowing, Coach Castlebaum was dedicated to getting every effort out of our boys team. He yelled, he screamed and he cursed. He cursed a lot. Hearing a teacher swear was sort of cool, really. It was so unusual, so rebellious, that it made practice even more fun.

Apparently some of my classmates and their parents didn't share my enthusiasm.

One day after lunch, Mr. Castlebaum began calling each of the 6th grade softball players into the hallway, one at a time. My turn came early in the rotation:

"Do you like playing softball?" he asked, obviously nervous.

"Sure."

"When we're practicing softball, you've never heard me use swear words, have you?"

"Well, yeah. A few times." It became suddenly clear why Coach Castelbaum was nervous, and where this was heading. Someone had complained.

"No, you haven't." And he said it with a sneer. It was less a disagreement and more of here's-how-this-is-gonna-go, kid.

"Yeah, I've heard you curse. Sometimes you swear at us kids, and you've said the F-word a lot. The one that rhymes with truck."

"I think you're mistaken," he said. He leaned down, and toward my face.

I don't know what kids are like in Jersey, but kids from the holler aren't intimidated that easily. I didn't easily roll over for teachers, especially if it was clear the teacher was trying to weasel out of something he knew was wrong.

"Yeah, you did it. I didn't tell anybody, because it was no big deal. But you did it. You did it a lot."

I walked back inside, sat at the desk and waited as he called other students into the hall to grill them. A couple of them came back in sort of teary-eyed.

I've been suspicious of teachers since.

Behavior like Mr. Castlebaum demonstrated creates an environment where kids are fearful of stepping out of the norm. It promotes the dumbing down of dreams and ambition, and helps above average kids become just average. It dooms less than average kids.

It's my opinion that in order to educate kids, teachers have to encourage and inspire them. Make kids believe in themselves, always being thoughtful not to do anything that will discourage a kid to dream, and to set lofty goals. We have too few teachers that do that on a day-to-day basis. And although I'm saddened when I hear a story that reminds me of Mr. Castlebaum, I'm no longer amazed.

Last night at dinner, my 11-year-old daughter was telling us about her day at school. She was upset about a conversation that occurred with her female Health teacher earlier that day.

"The teacher said women shouldn't be President." Although we haven't heard Maddisen say she wanted to be The Prez, we've never discouraged her from from setting any sort of appropriate goal. We've been especially thoughtful about not discouraging her from setting goals based on societal expectations of gender.

That's just the way we live our life.

"How did she come up with that idea?" I asked, trying to hide my anger.

"She just said her husband always told her women shouldn't be President, and she can't vote for a woman because of that. She kept saying 'Believe me, we don't want a woman for a president!' over and over."

I suddenly had that old feeling of being called into the hallway back in 6th grade.

Juno

My idea for a blog called The Film Geek was inspired during a walk to lunch with my friend, Hoyt. As we walked to the restaurant--a local Chinese place, I recall--we struck up a conversation about our mutual passion: movies.

Now, Hoyt knows a lot more about movies than I do. He has a real love and admiration for the history and the art of film, but he digs a great popcorn flick too. Like me, he gets geeked up over all kids of movies. We also share a frustration with seeing too few films in the big screen these days. Neither seems to have the time to view as many in-house movies as we would like.

When I learned that Hoyt made it out to see Juno earlier this year (and knew I wasn't gonna get to), I asked him to write a review about his experience for this blog. I was thrilled he agreed.

Enjoy.

When Film Geek invited me to write a review of "Juno,"my first thought was "Cool!" My second thought was"Oh, man, the pressure is on me now because, Film Geek is THE guy who really crafts a great flick post!" That's what you expect from a Film Geek film review.

My expectations for a flick work on me in a similar way and often influence my reaction to it. There's nothing like having a low expectation for a film and having it exceed your initial impression. On the flipside, it truly sucks when a film all your friends have raved about does not deliver on its promise.

Before I saw "Juno" a few weeks ago, it was difficult for anyone to miss the film's hype. For awhile, it seemed like Diablo Cody, Juno's screenwriter, had taken over the helm of "Entertainment Weekly." Reviews praising "Juno" seemed to appear every issue, then Cody become a frequent contributor to the magazine, then more acclaim followed. So on that Wednesday afternoon when I finally played hooky to catch a matinee of "Juno," I expected "Juno" would mark yet another disappointing moment when my anticipation of a flick exceeded its fulfillment.

But I was wrong. "Juno" rocks. That's not to suggest that I think this film is the 141st best film ever as currently ranked by IMDb users (it's actually the172nd best film ever) or that it's one of my favorite films (not yet because that takes time) or that you should drop everything and go watch it before you see the Oscars (and that wouldn't be the worst idea, either). But Diablo Cody, Ellen Page and company have created something special on celluloid (man, I dig using that word!), and I have no doubt that Cody will win the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay tonight.

If there's any justice, Ellen Page will snag a Best Actress award, too.

Juno MacGuff is a teenage girl who gets pregnant by accident. What marks "Juno" as a unique film is how Juno approaches this event and how her family, friends and the couple who seek to adopt her baby react toJuno's situation.

Ellen Page, as I've noted, merits an Oscar for "Juno."Some have suggested that she's simply playing herself. To those that have, I suggest that they watch Page's performance in "Hard Candy"--where she portrays a14-year-old girl who turns the tables on a pedophile. (Insert yet another parenthetical here: If you haveNetflix, add "Hard Candy" to your "Q" and bump it to the top.) Page can act, and she infuses her performances in "Juno" with such perfect nuances that it's easy to forget she's acting.

Although Page didn't surprise me with her performance, Jason Bateman did. It's tough for me not to think of Bateman as Ricky Schroeder's nemesis from "SilverSpoons," and, again, it rocks when something exceeds your expectations. Bateman's acting did that for me.

What else can I tell you? Jennifer Garner displays she's not simply another beautiful actress from action movies; Michael Cera leaves no doubt that he's got the chops after "Superbad," and, please, someone make sure that J.K. Simmons nabs more acting roles in major motion pictures.

Finally, on the day I caught "Juno," I was the only one in the theater, and several times I heard myself "laugh out loud" at what I saw on the screen. I don't often do that, and considering how sick I was at the time, I take my laughter as another indication of how wonderful "Juno" plays as a comedy. (I would have probably cried a little, too, if I had felt better.)

Thanks, Film Geek, for letting me share my thoughts here on "Juno," and I'm hoping that you have a chance to review every flick that's nominated for the 2009 Oscars!

Live Bloggin' The 2008 Oscars

Pre-Oscar Ramblings:

Because I Care: To prepare a bit, I snuck in a viewing of Michael Clayton late last night and into the wee hours of this morning. I agree with Spike Nesmith, who was kind enough to guest review the film here some months ago. It's a riveting, well told story with powerful performances. Clayton definitely deserves a spot in the final category.

The Razzies: The Lindsay Lohan vehicle I Know Who Killed Me picked up the most awards as Worst Film of 2007. The flick was so bad, it received the most jesus-what-a-terrible-movie wins in the 28-year history of the Razzie. In addition to two nominations for Lohan as worst actress (she played two roles), I Know Who won for "worst picture, director, screenplay, remake or rip-off, screen couple and excuse for a horror movie."

What Did She Mean By That? During my late-night Michael Clayton experience, Mrs. Film Geek says, quietly:



"Did you know Tilda Swinton has an open marriage, and lives with and travels with her 20-something male lover?"

As she said it her voice sort of trailed off, and I thought I saw a wistful smirk...





Making The Grade: If you're up for it, Moviefone presents The Ultimate Oscar Quiz, twenty questions that are sure to test your film geekiness. Click the link (the blue "Making The Grade") and give it a shot. My score was a woeful 7 out of 20 correct!

Non-Award Prediction: My prediction for the most over-used cliche on the red carpet: "Baby bump." (Running total: 1,1,1,1)


Red Carpet Observations:

Pre RC Coverage: E! has six hours of pre-red carpet coverage, followed by two hours of Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic Red Carpet Celebrity Ass Kissing. I just learned from the newspaper today that Rancic is the wife of original The Apprentice winner, Bill Rancic.

Bill really does know how to cash in.

Kim Who?: I'm always annoyed when a "socialite" is inter-mixed with true film artists. Having Kim Kardashian and her sisters involved in red carpet discussion is rather like having The Film Geek talking about the Theory of Special Relativity. She's just out of her element. Of course, the only film work she ever did was her own sex tape.


Are Those Bat-Nipples? The TV Guide Channel just did a quick interview with George Clooney. It's true Clooney is as cool and as talented as they come. But for the life of me, I don't think I can ever forgive him for being part of 1997's Batman & Robin. It was the movie that put nipples on the bat-suit.




Just 'Cause I'm Curious: I wonder how celebrities decide when it's the right moment to show up at the Academy Awards. I'm sure many work that fashionably late mojo, but when is it too early to start up the red carpet. One of the first carpet walking couple was Heidi Klum and Seal.

I think that answers my question.

Retro: Who talked Jillian Barberi into wearing a Farrah Fawcett hairstyle?

Starting To Make Me Feel Inferior: All this talk about George Clooney being The Man is starting to make me suck in my gut a little harder...

Clooney was just interviewed by Ryan Seacrest. I'm reminded that he's so hot that given the right conditions, even I might do him.

This Just In: Jason Bateman just confirmed there may be an Arrested Development flick!

GRRRRR!: Steve Carell's wife, after being the butt of a joke from Seacrest, looks as if she'd like to punch the American Idol host in the mouth. Which makes two of us.

I Just Don't Get It: John Travolta's success, that is. Never have.

Uh oh...: Gary Busey is in duh house! The red carpet could get interesting. Seacrest looks like he wants to call security. Busey keep blabbing about wanting to talk to Seacrest, because he "likes [Ryan's] energy."

Huh?

Seacrest was successful in shooing Busey away. It was funny seeing him want nothing to do with the actor.

Go Patriots: Some fat thirty-something guy from George Washington (WV) High School and his buddies are sitting around their living rooms, watching former classmate Jennifer Gardner, and yelling: "Oh yeah, I totally hit that!"

But they didn't.


The Awards Show

The Monologue: Jon Stewart is on top of his game, as usual. Less picking at the audience this year (last year he went hard at Clooney), and stuck to an eclectic set of jokes that seemed to go over well. It was a low-key opening set, and it worked.

Costume Design Award: Damn it!! The designer from Elizabeth won, and I picked Sweeney Todd. There goes my chance at winning the Oscar office pool!

The First :45 minutes: Sorry, I was in the kitchen making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Did I miss anything?

Male Actor In A Supporting Role: Javier Bardem was the easy money, but I sure liked Tom Wilkinson's work in Michael Clayton. Wilkinson's been a favorite of mine for a long time, and he seems to always give terrific performances. But Bardem's Anton Chigurh is a classic character.

Oscar Flashback: Anyone remember the Three Six Mafia? Didn't think so.

Female Actor In A Supporting Role: As good as Tilda Swinton is in Michael Clayton, her win is a bit of a surprise to me. I just didn't think her role was large enough for the award. My pick was Amy Ryan, from Gone Baby Gone.

Female Actor In A Leading Role: Marion Cotillard's speech was sweet, and reminded me of Roberto Benigni's speech from a few years back. What happened to that guy?

"Stop Eating Really Sour Candy": What someone needs to remind Rene Zellweger before she gets on camera.

The First 2.5 hours: The show feels a bit slow, and even scaled down. I'm curious how much the writer's strike affected the development of the show. A montage now and again is nice, but the production seems to be relying too much on them.

Am I wrong?

The Person That I Didn't Know Died This Year: Suzanne Pleshette

Diablo Cody: Who's the last one-hit writing superstar you can name? Seriously, Cody's got it going on. We're gonna see a whole lot of this lady's work in the future. (And cool dress, too.)

Male Actor In A Leading Role: (Crossing my fingers for Clooney. Say it...say it...c'mon, say it...) And the award goes to... Daniel Day Lewis. Well, that' just as good. Day Lewis doesn't male many movies, but when he does make one he's remarkable.

Achievement In Directing: Joel and Ethan Coen win in what was, I think, the lock of the night.

Best Picture: Hooray! A movie I've seen wins! No Country For Old Men is deserving. It's a near-masterpiece.

Summary

The 2008 Academy Awards was one of the least entertaining productions I've seen. The red carpet was mostly uneventful, and the awards show crept along and seemed scaled down. At least the movies it honored were terrific.

Rubbernecking Career Wrecks

Dennis, meet Cuba.











(Photo via NBC)











Cuba, ...Dennis.

Film Scenes That Matter: The Usual Suspects

"I know who Keyser Soze is," Mrs. Film Geek leaned in and whispered, less than mid-way through the flick.

I didn't wanna hear any of it. Damn it, that woman can ferret out a plot twist like nobody else I know! "Pass me the popcorn, and shut the hell up," I replied.

And then I settled in to watch this masterpiece:

Don Surber Hates The Heat

According to Don Surber of the Charleston (WV) Daily Mail, "Americans never had it as good" as we do now. "The middle class has become the rich," he says, and argues that even Americans living in poverty are better off now than at any other time.

Surber's rationale? America has efficient and readily available air conditioning.

Seriously, that's a major point in his most recent Daily Mail column. Read it, and count the total number of A/C references he uses in an attempt to prove we Americans should stop dwelling on the plight of the poor.

Better yet, I'll count it for you:

1. "Having actually worked at a textile mill, I say the people in Bangladesh are welcome to make my shirts. I'll sit here in my smoke-free, air-conditioned-in-the-summer office where I don't have to worry about brown lung";

2. "Most of today's homes have some sort of air-conditioning. The Census Bureau reported 58 percent of homes in 2004 had central air-conditioning, and 25 percent had room air-conditioners";

3. "But the Census Bureau reported that 46 percent of households listed as officially living in poverty actually lived in homes they owned. And, the Census Bureau reported, 76 percent had air-conditioning";

4. "But why should I care how much money is in the wallets of the two richest men in America - Bill Gates and Warren Buffett - both supporters of the Obama campaign? So what? I have my central air. And I drive a 2005 Mustang convertible - just like Mitt Romney."

For good measure, Surber threw in the stats that 73% of Americans living in poverty have a microwave, while 33% had a dishwasher. Considering his logic, I'm surprised Surber didn't mention that 100% of all new cars manufactured and sold in the US now have seat belts.

Americans never had it so good!

Many Americans are one catastrophic illness away from losing everything. More than one million high school students drop out of school every year. 4 children die from abuse every day of the year in America. About 5.5 million children in America are being raised by their grandparents, a necessity mostly because so many natural parents are unavailable due to substance abuse, incarceration, child abuse, neglect and desertion.

But most of 'em got air!

Too bad they don't know how good they have it.

Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus Best Of Both Worlds Concert

Or, "A One Hour, 14 Minute Documentary Of How Much I Love My Children."

Sometime early Saturday morning my daughter Griffyn reminded me I promised to take her to the movies this weekend. "Don't forget your promise about the mooo-vees" she said in her way-too-cute southern accent. So, I didn't.

We arrived at the box office just before the 4pm showing.


"That will be four or five dollars," I heard the ticket seller say after I asked for tickets for two kids and one adult. The quote made no sense to me. Even at the before 6pm price, I expected three tickets to cost at least $15.

"Why so cheap?" I asked. I slid my debit card through the slot for her to swipe, and was starting to get that feeling one gets when he believes he just found a real bargain.



"I'm sorry, what did you say?" she replied as she took my card.

"I asked why the tickets are so cheap. Even at matinee prices, four or five dollars is way, way inexpensive. I don't understand how it's that low."

"You misunderstood. I said it's forty-five dollars. $45.00 for three tickets."

Swipe!

She handed me the receipt to sign, and reminded me to pick up our 3-D glasses from the ticket taker.

3-D glasses!?! At least I got to keep something for that price.

Neverwas

Don't let the cast of Neverwas fool you into renting this movie!

The casting of Aaron Eckhart, Ian McKellen, William Hurt, Brittany Murphy, Alan Cumming and Jessica Lang seems inspired; but, unfortunately, the line-up can do nothing to save this flick from being a total disaster.

It's premise starts out fine: The adult son (Eckhart) of a beloved children's book author (Nolte) becomes a psychiatrist, and returns to the institution that once treated his father for his mental illness. Nolte's character, depressed for most of his life, committed suicide several years earlier, and Echardt's character needs closure on the tragedy. Hanging out at the institution, he thinks, will provide him that opportunity to heal himself.

Instead, his decision throws him into a series of situations that entwine him within the fable of his father's most famous book.

Neverwas intends to make a statement about human dignity and self worth. It misses terribly. Instead, it's a ridiculous and melodramatic nightmare.

He Who Throws Dirt Is Losing Ground

Bloomberg.com reports that China (the country, not the former WWE wrestler-slash-reality TV personality) has blocked the production of a Hollywood flick about the Japanese occupation of China in 1941.

It seems China was concerned that the movie, which stars John Cusack, might portray the country in a negative manner.

Someone should remind China it's rep ain't all that to begin with:

Admitting It Is The First Step To Recovery

Just in time for the Holiday O' Lovers, Appalachian Being is sponsoring a "Sorry For Being A Dick" poetry contest.

Buzzardbilly hit the nail on the head! Although I'm not a poet, I have on many occasion been perceived as a real tool.

Here's my entry:

I.

For office supplies,

bad tape mixes and those times

I simply forgot

II.
I'm sorry, I swear
I wasn't being thoughtless.
I was just a dick.

This Makes My Gift Ideas Look A Helluva Lot Better

Thanks to Bill Lynch, The Charleston Gazette and WLKC Rock 105: After reading this story I feel so much better about the gifting decisions I've made during the last several years.

(Especially that 40th birthday debacle...)

Here's an excerpt from the story, written by Lynch, for those not inclined to click a link:

"Not everybody likes Valentine's Day. There are as many reasons to hate the holiday as there are to enjoy it. The nearly obligatory cards, candy and stuffed bears can be a bitter reminder to the lonely or an irritation to those trying to bounce back from the expense of the Christmas season.

WKLC-FM (Rock 105) is turning the holiday on its head. This Valentine's Day, the classic rock station is giving away a free divorce to one "lucky" listener.

Through Thursday at 4 p.m. at the station's Web site, www.wklc.com, Rock 105 will accept applications for the free divorce. At 5 p.m. Valentine's Day, a "winner" will be drawn.

"It is a real divorce," Nunley said. "You shouldn't do it if you don't mean it."

Nunley explains what's being offered is a service to obtain a relatively uncomplicated divorce. Neither the station nor the actual winner should expect Webb to spend a tremendous amount of time in court over the case. People expecting a long, drawn-out legal battle should go ahead and hire representation rather than rely on a radio contest.

"It's meant to be fun," he said. "The best-case scenario is someone who wants a divorce but can't actually afford it. It would be cool if their story was funny, but it's a drawing. We'll take what we get."

The radio contest is doing surprisingly well. Announcements started Tuesday morning and within hours, Rock 105 had received dozens of phone calls from listeners and roughly 30 entries.

"Sure we can give away concert tickets, and we do. That's going to make you happy for a little while. This is the chance to make someone happy for the rest of their life."

The Nanny Diaries

"Are you interested in watching The Nanny Diaries,?" she asked. Mrs. Film Geek was waiving the red envelope in her hand.

"I dunno, it's kinda late."

Although we typically stay up late most nights, starting a flick at 11pm seemed a little past reasonable.


"It stars Scarlett Johansson." And she said it with enthusiasm. Like, "Jo-haaann-sonnn."

I started up the stairs: "Put the disc in, and I'll pop some corn!"

(OK, so maybe it didn't go down exactly that way. Except in my head. But it kinda did.


Kinda).




The Nanny Diaries is better than average satire of how, too often in America, we have other people raising our kids. The film particularly targets those who are incredibly wealthy and who, due to wealth and a selfish perspective, devote more of their time to societal events and business than to their own children.

Got a kid with a fever and a 2pm spa treatment scheduled? The Nanny can make the doctor run. Conflicted between taking your kid to the park and helping plan a charitable event? Put the park on your Nanny's To Do List.

Figuring out ways to get kids out from under the feet of adults isn't inherently evil, nor is it done only by the wealthy. Lots of us from the 70s recall being shooed out of our homes each Saturday after Land Of The Lost, allowed back in only to eat a quick PB & J and then shooed back out again until dinner time.

Sure, playing outside was fun and a terrific way to learn how to make friends. But each of us knows our parents enjoyed that respite, too.

There is something disconcerting, though, about people who are so self-involved that their children are merely afterthoughts. Simply another thing that requires scheduling, and the need to employ another human being to provide the nurturing for which we don't have time.

Disconcerting, and sad. Because that perpetuates a cycle of human perspective that's hard to change.

3:10 To Yuma

I love a movie that gives me The Danny Gut! Flicks that make me fidget while I watch, and ponder what I'd do if living under the circumstances of the characters. Having seen the original 3:10 To Yuma, (starring Glenn Ford and Van Heflin) I presumed to know how this 2007 remake would go down. So I overlooked it for several months.

That was a mistake!

So much better is this remake that it really is significantly different from the original, sharing only that film's most basic concepts. There's more back story, better plot development, better acting and better production. Christian Bale is remarkable as the dirt farmer who puts himself in harms way to rekindle a sense of dignity. Russell Crowe is equally riveting as the outlaw who's reminded that dignity is essential to humanity. The two men are polar opposites drawn toward a common understanding by their shared experience.

Let's compare the two films on The Danny Gutometer, (Where 1 means "yawn," and 5 means "I'll be thinking about this movie for days"):

The 1957 version: 3 Danny Guts
The 2007 version: 4.5 Danny Guts

This scene shows why Christian Bale is, in my opinion, the most talented actor working today:

A Sweet Valentymes Story

One of the most annoying aspects of this time of year for me is hearing people say Valentymes rather than Valentine's Day. I hear it everywhere, and people from every walk of life seem to lapse into saying it during moments of excitability.


"WhatchagonnagetyourwifeforValentymes?

Huh? What? Youcantellme, c'mon!

Tell me, whatyougettin'forValentymes?."

The only consoling factor for me is that this annoyance ends on February 15th. Unlike my year-long struggle with people from Putnam County, WV, who regularly pronounce their county "Putman." It makes me want to drive a stake through their hearts.

Hearts.

I love it when two different rants find common ground.

Flashback! Bad Movies That Haunt Me: Ghost Dad

Back in 1990, a co-worker's husband died. A few months later, several of us put our heads together and come up with a list of social activities designed to get her back on her feet once she was ready. She gave us the green light, and we took her to see the newest movie release of her favorite TV star, Bill Cosby.

That's right. We took a woman who had recently been widowed to see Ghost Dad.

We didn't figure out what we had done until Cosby's Elliott Harper bit the bullet. It was about that time that several of us left the theater to get more popcorn.

In.The.Longest.Line.Possible.

Perfect Stranger

Halle Berry stars as...

Oh, man. Forget it. I'm too tired to try, and the movie was too bad for me to make the effort.

Listen, my friend Hoyt and I have this theory that Bruce Willis can't make a bad movie. That somehow, Willis has this flick-dar that allows him the ability to sniff out and star in above average movies, even if the premise of his movie leaves a lot to be desired.

Hoyt, I'm sorry. But Perfect Stranger proves our theory wrong. Dead wrong. In fact, watching it through to the end made me feel a lot like this:


This time next year, Perfect Stranger will be in my Flashback! list. Guaranteed.

Underdog

The Underdog animated series that aired in the late 1960s and early 1970s was a big deal to me as a young child. Although I couldn't have been older than four or five when I watched it regularly, I can still recite some of the rhymes that Shoeshine Boy busted after he choked down a super energy vitamin pill.

I was always a mark for a cape and funny long-johns. That's why I was thrilled to see the modern version of Underdog released.

(Even if I didnt care for it's non-animated production.)



Back in the early 80s I had the opportunity to spend a weekend with my girlfriend at a semi-plush hotel.







Now to me at that age, "semi-plush" felt like a five -star resort, and I was eager to enjoy the frills.

Until I turned on the tube and discovered a 12 hour marathon of Underdog.

I grew up without cable, without it's reruns of classic TV shows and the syndicated programming of TBS and channels like it. Although I watched cable now and again at the homes of my friends, in the early 80s cable TV was still sort of like magic to me.

And even more important than chicks.

So I watched that 12 hour marathon, while she enjoyed the frills. I think we broke up soon after.

The Heartbreak Kid

The Farrelly Brothers' The Heartbreak Kid, a remake of a 1972 flick starring Charles Grodin, is a fine way to kill a couple of hours, if:

5. You have a hardcore obsession with Malin Akerman, you've already downloaded all the thumbnail nude photos of her that you can off Mr. Skin, and you just need more;

4. You get a kick out of hanging out with old men in suspenders and golfing pants, who pass the time spouting colorful dysphemisms for sexual intercourse;

3. Rob Corddry makes you laugh. The former performer on The Daily Show is funny as hell, and always seems to be in the funniest scenes of this flick;

2. You're still trying to get that Me, Myself & Irene taste out of your mouth;

1. You understand, and live your life by, the philosophy: "When she tells you to cock her, you cock her!"

Otherwise, ...you might wanna choose another flick.